Hello, is anyone listening?

Scenario - You are having dinner with a group of friends. Everyone is chatting at the same time, except you. You smile and nod, and interject a few comments here and there, though not quite loud enough for anyone to hear them. Someone from the group says, “you are so quiet,” and then asks your opinion on the given subject. At first, you feel startled but then proceed to share your thoughts. Approximately five words come out of your mouth, someone interrupts, and the group begins talking over you. Consequently, you do not finish your comments and you begin to feel as though you have little to contribute. Can you identify with this scenario?

Communication can sometimes feel challenging and a few of us tend to run from it, especially if we feel it may cause conflict. Just think about it though, how much of our lives depend on communication? If we do not communicate effectively, it filters into all aspects of our lives. Into our self-esteem, self-confidence, businesses, relationships, you get the picture. So what does it look like to communicate effectively?

First, let’s define the word effective. Dictionary.com unabridged states, “… producing the intended or expected result.” If we communicate effectively, we are able to produce an intended outcome or result from the conversation.

Second, we need to remember the concept people can be our mirrors. That means what we are getting from others is at times what we are feeling in ourselves. To explain this further let’s take a look at the scenario again. Perhaps the interruption, talking over us and stating "we are so quiet," was how the group was a mirror for us. Could it be that we had much to offer to the conversation, but felt a lack of confidence to express it? Maybe our body language was such that we felt invisible or unsure of ourselves. On the other hand, maybe the subject triggered us, and we did not know how to respond. When we show up feeling unsure, invisible, and having a lack of confidence it comes across in our energy, body language and through our words. It flows into how we connect with others.

There are many areas to explore in the communication arena. For today, let’s focus on two strategies to begin expanding our communication skills.

Strategy #1 - Begin with yourself by re-framing your thinking about communication. Think of it as an opportunity for learning more and being responsible for your well-being.

Notice how people are mirrors for you. Shine a light on what you need to shift in your communication style, body language and words you use in order to produce an outcome that is beneficial.

Strategy #2 - Take a look at your listening skills. In your opinion what makes a good listener? Consider these suggestions:

• Be present – this means don’t be easily distracted.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Don’t try to fix.
• Ask questions for more information and clarity.
• Ask if they want feedback.

Empowerment: Ask a friend if they would be willing to participate in an experiment. Tell them you are working on expanding your communication skills. Review the listening guidelines and explain how they are, in your opinion, what makes a good listener. Ask them to be the listener and follow the guidelines. Talk for about 3 minutes on a situation that happened recently. Switch roles, allowing the friend to share in the experience. Discuss what felt valuable or what was learned in this exercise.

Recommended reading: Listen to me listen to you by Anne Kotzman and Mandy Kotzman

We will continue with more strategies in communicating effectively in future blogs. I’m curious:

• What communication challenges have you run into?
• What helpful tips have you used that have produced beneficial results?
• What did you learn by participating in the above strategies?

Thank you for sharing!

What I've learned from my band

Recently, my husband and I were chatting about what it takes to be in the creative process of writing and performing songs. A little background, we are are passionate about music and belong in a band.

Back to the subject. We know that the song has to have energy, and the ability to sell itself to the audience. If the audience doesn’t enjoy themselves while listening and watching the performance, then our mission is lost. We continued sharing our individual process and came to a common conclusion. The first step starts in our thinking process and then flows into our actions.

Formula #1
Confident thoughts + Go for it actions = An energetic, alive, vibrant song, with an enthusiastic audience.

Formula #2
Insecure thoughts + Tentative actions = A weak, flat song, with little audience participation.

When I show up like formula #2, most times the musicality of the song, my voice and the keyboard are not at thier best. If I allow it, my insecure thoughts can take over. If not captured, they can take me into a downward spiral, which can potentially wreck the song, chip away at my self-confidence and leave the audience dissatisfied.

The thing is, I’ve been singing in front of people for years, so why would I ever have this problem? Because at some point I can lose confidence in my God given talent or ability.

In contrast, when I am conscious to stop and say confident thoughts such as, “I am prepared, I have done this many times before, it’s no big deal,” I feel self-assured and am able to relax. It comes across in my actions, I have better tone, the energy level is high, and the audience if fully engaged.

So what does this have to do with living our everyday life? What if we took the concept of this formula and integrated it into daily situations? Confident thoughts + Go for it actions = a life that is more energetic, alive, and vibrant.

When we come across a situation that might tend to deflate our self-confidence, it won’t have to destroy the day. We can choose to believe and trust the concept of this formula. Thus gaining our energy back, ward off the stress of the situation, and feel confident in who we are.

I’m curious, have you noticed how the two formulas show up in your life?

• What examples do you have, (like my band example) that has given you insight into areas of your life?
• What did you learn?
• How did you integrate it into everyday living?

Thanks in advance for your participation and wisdom!