Five Steps to an Excellent Partnership

My husband Brian and I celebrated our twenty-second year of marriage this year. Boy, was I young when I got married! You notice I didn't say, "boy I sure am old." Some days it feels like it wasn't that long ago when I declared my vow of, "I do", and yet some days it's feels like a life time ago. Can any of you relate?

Brian and I have had a life filled with adventure, with many mountains and many valleys. I am grateful for both, especially for the valleys, as they were opportunities for growth. I can't say I've always looked at it this way, but because of the life path I have chosen to take the last eight years, I can see the hard times with a fresh perspective.

In this months edition, I would like to offer suggestions from what has worked for me in my marriage partnership. As you know I am not a couples therapist, but I do believe we can all draw from our experience and learning to share with others. Additionally, I would love to hear comments on what has worked for you in this area.

You may have noticed I used the words marriage partnership. In part, this is how I view my marriage relationship with Brian, as a partnership. The definition from World Net, Dictionary.com, states partnership as - a cooperative relationship between people or groups, who agree to share responsibility for achieving some specific goal.

It may sound as though I am leaving out the intimate aspect of a relationship. On the contrary, when the following suggestions are practiced and become part of how we relate with another, intimacy becomes stronger. Try it and see what you notice.
The question becomes, what makes an excellent marriage partnership and what are the goals a partnership could have? These suggestions can work in any sort of relationship. I believe we must start with:

Communication from both partners. I believe this is a key ingredient. We are all aware that books upon books have been written on this subject. I encourage you to read a few, learning and knowledge can only move us forward. Listen to Me Listen to You by Anne and Mandy Kotzman is a good place to start. Below are a few points to consider.

• If you want to be on the same page with your partner, you must be willing to talk about it with them. Avoid making the assumption that the other person "should know", or can read your mind.
• Set up a time for meaningful conversation, (I suggest at least once a week).
• Communicate a shared vision or goal to work towards during the conversation and keep this at the center of the communication process.
• Come open and willing to actively listen. Need some suggestions? Check out May 21st blog Hello? Is Anyone Listening - strategy #1 and #2.

Realistic Expectations. Check in with yourself by asking the following questions.

• Am I expecting my partner to provide my happiness?
• Am I expecting my partner to fullfill my Spiritual life?
• Am I expecting my partner to know how I feel and what I want?
• Am I expecting my partner to live my dreams, and my goals?
• Am I expecting my partner to not live fully in who he/she is because I'm afraid it could cause change in my life?
  Remember that God made each of us individuals with unique gifts and wisdom to share with the world. Just because we enter into a commited relationship does not mean that being an individual is no longer in the picture.

Be Responsible For Your Part. When there becomes a problem or struggle, speak up for how you are feeling, what you are noticing, and how you are contributing to the problem in the relationship. This goes back to the # 1 key - learning how to effectively communicate.

• Remember your shared vision and goals.
• Give up the blaming, holding a grudge, withholding communication, or the perpetual need to always be right.
• We all see things from a different perspective; work at learning to see your partners perspective.
• Listen and understand as best you can. Be responsible for your part.
• You can only change yourself. If the other party is not willing to take responsibility for their part, that is theirs, not yours to fix. Let it go and get support for yourself.

Taking On The Brunt Of It All. What is your core belief about yourself? Do you think you have to be Super Man, Woman, Mom or Dad, at the expense of loosing your health, or yourself? How much do you take upon yourself that could be shared, if only you would let go and find other options?

• Learn to let go, give up some control.
• Put yourself at the top of the list by practicing self-care. How can you be your best for others if you are not willing to take care of yourself?

Support. Realize that your partner can be a vital part of your support system. Often times we neglect this idea, feeling that we can and should go it alone.

• To be supported we have to learn to ask for what we need. Once again, the other party cannot read our minds.
• In order to receive support we must be willing to give it. Ask the other party how they need support, then we can do our best to give it to them.

How have the suggestions above shown up in your life and how do you handle them?

What roadblocks have you noticed that keep cropping up?

What has been the most fun memory in your relationship?