Paths of Discovery Life Coaching Blog

What do you Truly Believe?

2008-03-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

How do you feel when someone says to you, "you are very courageous", or "you have amazing talent." Do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, offer a weak thank you and then quickly change the subject? Have you ever wondered why you react this way? I admit, I have experienced the same types of feelings and reactions.

This last month has been a defining and refining experience for me in the area of Limiting Beliefs. By definition, limiting beliefs are negative messages that were spoken to us from parents, siblings, teachers, friends, religion, etc. In turn, we internalized them as Truth and made them our own. They may have aided us in creating our life story around them. They are like ropes tied around our bodies, tight and constricting in our childhood, but looser in our adulthood. Yet they are still there keeping us bound from fully expressing who we are now and what we are to become.

Limiting Beliefs sound like, "you don't catch on very quickly do you," or being consistently told to "be quiet." They may have been audible or modeled through actions. Such as, unrealistic expectations laid out for you to meet and in turn, if you did not meet them to a tee, you believed you were not good enough or felt guilty.

You may be wondering how limiting beliefs show up or create our life story. Let's go back to the example given earlier. The statement, "you are very courageous," sounds harmless and very complementary doesn't it. I am certain the person that gave the compliment was sincere. For many, the idea of being courageous is a trigger that links to one of our limiting beliefs. We may have been told to make sure we never look or sound self-important, or we were shown how to never believe in ourselves because we were not given ample praise and encouragement. Can you see how this innocent compliment is linked to a limiting belief that creates part of the story of our life?

The amazing gift is that we are not destined to stay in this belief system. We can turn them around based on our willingness to identify them, name them for what they are and re-write our story with Truth and evidence.

How to begin your journey:
· Shift your attitude to one of being willing and open to take a realistic look at your limiting beliefs.
· Identify what your limiting beliefs are. Write them down in a journal in concise sentences. You don't have to identify who, when or why, just what they were.

Ask yourself:
· How is this belief showing up and running my life now?
· How is this belief keeping me bound or stuck in my life?
· Who would I be without this belief?

Recognize and name these beliefs for what they are -LIES, LIES LIES!!! And a means to keep you from fully evolving into who you are.

Re-write your beliefs. For example, if you believe you are not good enough, your New Belief becomes:
· I am good enough, I am perfect for who I am in this moment and time.
My Truth is:
· I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
· I am a precious child of God, His hands made me and formed me.

My evidence is: (name at least three)
· I am married to a wonderful man that loves me.
· I have many friends and they enjoy my company.
· I have touched (name their names) lives because of God's unique gifts that He gave to me.

Write your Truth and evidence on a card and keep it with you. Read it often and notice what shows up in your life.

Handling Your Life With Care

2008-02-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

When inner challenges bubble to the surface of your life, how do you handle them?

Do you:

a. Ask why me? It's not fair.
b. Give in, isolate yourself, or wallow in it, feeling that you are doomed and believe that things will never change?
c. Go into overdrive, or panic mode searching for anything and everything that will keep you busy.
d. Believe that you are a failure or not good enough so why try?

The past few months I have waded through the waters of some inner challenges. To be honest, I did ask, "why me, why now, it's not fair." I heard the voice of failure and heard it's words say, "your not good enough." I admit, I was not on the mountaintop of my life, and try as I might I could not shake the feeling that I was heading towards the bottomless pit. What happened next, (don't you love it when there is a "what happened next," in the story), were a series of events, awareness's and Spiritual insights that occurred to guide me back towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

Below are some insights I am learning from my experience that I want to share with you. My hope is that you will find them useful if you are in a similar challenge.

Take time to listen to your Spirit. What sense do you get when you ask yourself, what is God up to in my life right now? I kept sensing surrender, let go. I did not know exactly what this meant or what it looked like but in time, the meaning started to unfold. Clarity comes when we are being still and willing to face what is in front of us. Fortunately, we do not have to face it alone.

Change your mindset. When the trials of life bubble up embrace them for being there for a reason, an opportunity. If we push them beneath the surface, we let pass what could have been an astounding change for our lives. No need to feel stuck, there is always a way through to the other side but we have to choose. Do we want growth and change? Choosing to wade instead of wallow will bring about growth. Neither path is easy, but at least there is a future and a hope if we move forward.

Listen to your body. Our bodies will give us warning signs if we will pay attention. Depression, anxiety, worry, constant headaches or stomachaches can be signs that point toward something being wrong.
It may be time to enlist help. Visit your doctor, chiropractor or naturopath for your physical health. Hire a therapist, counselor or coach for your mental health. Do you pride yourself on being the lone ranger and a do it yourself attitude? How has that worked for you? If it's not working why not try a different approach? Have you heard that doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity?

Tell someone you feel safe with about it. Let yourself be vulnerable and see what happens. Safe, close friends or family members can be valuable support if you let them. It's okay if it's all about you for awhile, someday it will be all about them and you can be there to return the support. True friendship is not a one-sided relationship.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself what you need during this time. It might be some space and time, or to not criticize or judge yourself so harshly. You are not doomed to be the victim; you have an active role to play in your life.

Change My Perspective?

2007-12-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

Can you believe the Christmas and New Year season is just around the corner? What are your plans this holiday season? Will you be bustling around attending parties, shopping, entertaining, or traveling? Perhaps you will you have a quiet season because family and friends are too far away to visit. Alternatively, maybe you've lost a loved one or your life is upside down and you are feeling alone.

Sometimes we forget that each of us experience the holidays and our daily lives differently, through our own perspective. Here are a few thoughts to consider. I believe that one of the most magical human experiences, as well as one of the greatest needs most of us share, is connection with others. Pause for a moment and think about what your life would look like if there were no one in it that ever said hello, smiled or asked how you were doing. On a larger scale, think about what it would be like if we had no family, friends, clubs, churches or schools.

A very basic example is that of a local coffee shop I frequently patronize. Ever time without fail, when I walk through their door, the employees and owners greet me with a hello, ask how I am doing and ask what can they get for me. The moment I enter their store they have a choice and every time they choose to connect with me by sending out warm and positive energy through their conversation and body language. In turn, I feel valued, I choose to give them my business and I recommend them to others. http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=v4fl5gcab.0.0.qis7f6bab.0&ts=S0296&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lovelandcoffeeco.com%2F&id=preview

What if you were to adopt the following statement as a motto or mantra for yourself this holiday season... "No matter where I am in life, there is opportunity to explore and transform my way of thinking and how I handle my circumstances." In order to begin that transformation, let's give ourselves a challenge. The challenge is, between December 1 and January 1; connect with at least one or two people whose lives are different from our own and are outside our regular circle of family and friends.

You may be saying, yes that sounds all good and well, but how do I do that? Begin by going to your closet, take out and put on your creative hat. Get a pen and paper and jot down ideas as they come to your mind. Below are some ideas to get your creative juices flowing.

Find a local homeless shelter or teen crisis center and ask how or whom you can help. http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=v4fl5gcab.0.0.qis7f6bab.0&ts=S0296&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.turningpnt.org%2F&id=preview
Go to an event or party that you would normally opt out of, with the intention of connecting with at least one other person.
Be aware of people that show up in your life and listen to their conversation. Notice their cues; are they struggling financially, physically, emotionally? Ask yourself, what can you do for them that will make this season a little easier and brighter?
Have coffee/tea with someone you met recently for the sole purpose of getting to know them better.
If you can carry a tune, but are mostly a closet - shower only singer, gather a small group and go caroling in your neighborhood.

What ideas do you have? Pause for a moment and re-read the challenge and ideas. Notice, what is your body and mind saying to you? Is it tingling with excitement and ready to dive in or do you have a lump in your throat, a flutter in your stomach? Is your internal dialogue saying something like, I don't have time to think about this, much less do something about it, what's in it for me? If you are experiencing any negative feelings or sensations, be kind to yourself. It's okay, it's only fear showing up. Push through and stretch yourself. Ask for support. Don't allow fear to keep you from missing out on an opportunity that is waiting specifically for you.

You may be asking, what does all this have to do with Christmas and how is it going to change my perspective on my life? I believe that giving back and connecting with others is the central theme of sharing the Christmas Spirit and living the most purposeful life that God has given us to live. If we allow it, it will expand and stretch us, causing a shift to take place in our lives.

Carpe' diem! NOW is all we have, the past is already gone and we don't know what the future holds. I can't think of a better time of year to jump in! Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Ten Steps to Better Self - Care

2007-10-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

How would you like to gain a fresh, encouraging perspective on the concept of being selfish? Granted, there are many avenues to explore in this area that cannot be covered in one setting. For now, our purpose is to examine a different perspective of :

- What self-care, or being selfish means.
- What the spiritual side looks like.
- Strategies to implement it into our lives.

Selfish, or if you like the term self-care or selfulness, means to fill up your soul and self from the inside out. Think of it in terms of your whole being, your mind, body, and spirit.

Picture of a cup of water in your mind. The water represents self-care. When we don't take care of ourselves the water gets lower and lower, eventually it dries up. We can be constantly on the go, give and give, and forget about checking in with our internal selves. This can be in the area of our spiritual lives, or not taking care of our needs by slowing down, prioritizing and setting boundaries. When our cup dries up we hit bottom. Hitting bottom can show up as feeling burnt out, health issues, feeling unmotivated, feeling resentful, and sometimes leads to depression.

Ideally, we want to keep the water (self-care) in our cup full to overflowing. The overflow is what we use to give to others; the part that is in the cup is our reserve for ourselves. A reserve means something put back for a specific purpose, something to draw from as a preventative measure. It keeps us in a state of abundance. Self-care or being "selfish", ultimately allows us to be more generous and supportive of others than ever before.

Many times, we are not taught self-care in our churches or spiritual arenas of life. This can lead us to a limiting belief that may sound like this. "If I say no to church roles or people, activities, special events, or volunteer opportunities, then I am letting everyone down and I feel guilty because I feel I'm not serving God the way I should.

I believe it's important to learn how God is our role model in how and when to set boundaries, when to take time for ourselves, and how to let go of doing things out of guilt. The book recommendation at the closing of this blog can help you with this.

Lastly, it is not realistic to rely on others for our self-care. Relying on someone or something else to make us happy only leads to disappointment. It leaves us living a life outside of ourselves instead of in full expression of who we are. If we don't take care of ourselves first, then how can we have anything left to give to others?

Ten Steps to Better Self-Care: Some of which are taken from the book, What to do When my Child has OCD, by Aureen Pinto Wagner.

1. When you have feelings of confusion, worry, anger, guilt, embarrassment, sadness and grief:

- Accept these feelings and allow yourself to feel them.
- Give yourself permission to express these feelings. Stuffing them only leads to resentment and an explosion later on.
- Find someone to talk to about your feelings.
- Keep a gratitude journal.

2. Stop beating yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Love and accept yourself for who you are. Realize you don't have to have all the answers.

3. Let guilt and shame go. Forgive yourself and others. It is only causing internal damage and disease by not doing so.

4. Become aware of your inner dialogue. Change self-defeating and limiting thoughts. Thoughts produce behavior, behavior produces results.

5. Become attune to what your spiritual life looks like. What one thing can you change today to make this area a significant part of your everyday life?

6. Are you taking the brunt of the burden?

- Evaluate your role as caregiver. What are the reasons you are in this position?
- Are you willing to give up some of the control to another family member or professional?

7. Ask for help.

- Who are the people you surround yourself with?
- Is there someone who has offered to help in the past that you can take them up on their offer now?
- Who can you hire to help around the house, yard, office? Teens, neighbors, etc.
- Are you involved in a support group? Find online groups if you can't go out very often. Check into your church and community to find what they have to offer or start your own.

8. Know your limits. Accept you cannot be your best when you are burnt out, and pushed beyond your limits.

- Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Are you not sleeping well? Are you having consistent headaches or body aches? Are you irritable all the time? Catch these signs in the early stages.
- When your plate is overflowing, ask yourself, "what do I have to do right now in order to survive the moment?" Let go of the other 100's of things that you feel you must do at that time.
- Let the phone ring, and the emails go until the time is best for you.

9. Give yourself credit.

- Acknowledge yourself for all that you do.
- Write an affirmation such as, " I am infinitely valuable, or I love and accept myself." Post it somewhere where you will read it everyday.
- Write out a list of 10 Delicious Daily Habits. They are things that help restore your self-care cup. For example, enjoy a cup of tea while reading a short inspirational story. Listen to music as you go about your day. Call a friend for a walk or coffee, or read a chapter in a book.

10. Spouses, Partners, Friends, & Families - Learn how to communicate effectively.

- Accept that the other handles situations and challenges differently. For example, some people may process aloud, needing an ear to listen - not advice on how to fix them. Some may process in their head, doing it in solace.
- Nurture your relationship. Hire or ask someone to help so that you can have time to relax and be together.
- Our relationships tend to become the first things we neglect, yet they are our biggest support system when we get caught up in the stress of life.
- Build a solid partnership so that it will sustain you through the tough times.

Book Recommendation

Boundaries - When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Where do you struggle with self-care in your life?

What tools have you found that are helpful?

Thanks in advance for your participation.

Five Steps to an Excellent Partnership

2007-09-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

My husband Brian and I celebrated our twenty-second year of marriage this year. Boy, was I young when I got married! You notice I didn't say, "boy I sure am old." Some days it feels like it wasn't that long ago when I declared my vow of, "I do", and yet some days it's feels like a life time ago. Can any of you relate?

Brian and I have had a life filled with adventure, with many mountains and many valleys. I am grateful for both, especially for the valleys, as they were opportunities for growth. I can't say I've always looked at it this way, but because of the life path I have chosen to take the last eight years, I can see the hard times with a fresh perspective.

In this months edition, I would like to offer suggestions from what has worked for me in my marriage partnership. As you know I am not a couples therapist, but I do believe we can all draw from our experience and learning to share with others. Additionally, I would love to hear comments on what has worked for you in this area.

You may have noticed I used the words marriage partnership. In part, this is how I view my marriage relationship with Brian, as a partnership. The definition from World Net, Dictionary.com, states partnership as - a cooperative relationship between people or groups, who agree to share responsibility for achieving some specific goal.

It may sound as though I am leaving out the intimate aspect of a relationship. On the contrary, when the following suggestions are practiced and become part of how we relate with another, intimacy becomes stronger. Try it and see what you notice.
The question becomes, what makes an excellent marriage partnership and what are the goals a partnership could have? These suggestions can work in any sort of relationship. I believe we must start with:

Communication from both partners. I believe this is a key ingredient. We are all aware that books upon books have been written on this subject. I encourage you to read a few, learning and knowledge can only move us forward. Listen to Me Listen to You by Anne and Mandy Kotzman is a good place to start. Below are a few points to consider.

If you want to be on the same page with your partner, you must be willing to talk about it with them. Avoid making the assumption that the other person "should know", or can read your mind.
Set up a time for meaningful conversation, (I suggest at least once a week).
Communicate a shared vision or goal to work towards during the conversation and keep this at the center of the communication process.
Come open and willing to actively listen. Need some suggestions? Check out May 21st blog Hello? Is Anyone Listening - strategy #1 and #2.

Realistic Expectations. Check in with yourself by asking the following questions.

Am I expecting my partner to provide my happiness?
Am I expecting my partner to fullfill my Spiritual life?
Am I expecting my partner to know how I feel and what I want?
Am I expecting my partner to live my dreams, and my goals?
Am I expecting my partner to not live fully in who he/she is because I'm afraid it could cause change in my life?
Remember that God made each of us individuals with unique gifts and wisdom to share with the world. Just because we enter into a commited relationship does not mean that being an individual is no longer in the picture.

Be Responsible For Your Part. When there becomes a problem or struggle, speak up for how you are feeling, what you are noticing, and how you are contributing to the problem in the relationship. This goes back to the # 1 key - learning how to effectively communicate.

Remember your shared vision and goals.
Give up the blaming, holding a grudge, withholding communication, or the perpetual need to always be right.
We all see things from a different perspective; work at learning to see your partners perspective.
Listen and understand as best you can. Be responsible for your part.
You can only change yourself. If the other party is not willing to take responsibility for their part, that is theirs, not yours to fix. Let it go and get support for yourself.

Taking On The Brunt Of It All. What is your core belief about yourself? Do you think you have to be Super Man, Woman, Mom or Dad, at the expense of loosing your health, or yourself? How much do you take upon yourself that could be shared, if only you would let go and find other options?

Learn to let go, give up some control.
Put yourself at the top of the list by practicing self-care. How can you be your best for others if you are not willing to take care of yourself?

Support. Realize that your partner can be a vital part of your support system. Often times we neglect this idea, feeling that we can and should go it alone.

To be supported we have to learn to ask for what we need. Once again, the other party cannot read our minds.
In order to receive support we must be willing to give it. Ask the other party how they need support, then we can do our best to give it to them.

How have the suggestions above shown up in your life and how do you handle them?

What roadblocks have you noticed that keep cropping up?

What has been the most fun memory in your relationship?

What I learned during the summer

2007-08-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

It's been enlightening to reminisce on my summer thus far. Common and profound themes have revealed themselves through specific situations scattered throughout the past few months. I would love to share all the details of these circumstances, but seeing that I have limited space, I'll do my best to keep it concise. If you would like to have a conversation about any of the details, email me at pam@pathsofdiscoverylifecoaching.com.

It all started with meeting a very special girl at one of our gigs. (for those of you who don't know, Brian - my husband, and I are in a band.) Check us out at http://www.myspace.com/bandaotm
The gifts: The importance of being in the Present, and giving love and compassion will make a difference.

Sad news arrived when a dear sister shared of having a second bout with cancer.
The gifts: Trust God, let go of worry, & serve.

An opportunity to open a gig for an awesome musician, who by the way is our nephew. Check him out at http://www.myspace.com/brucedaymusic

The gift : Reminder of how not taking a risk leads to disappointment and missing out on living life to it's fullest.

A singing opportunity at the Memorial of a very special guy. I did not know him personally, yet I heard story after story of how his life impacted others in a profound way. He was a man living life with Down Syndrome. Being involved in this service blessed me far more than I could have ever have hoped to give.
The gifts: A celebration of his life. Mottos he lived his life by were:

Sing and Dance all you can.
Do everything full of Joy.
Keep it Simple.
God can fix it.

Through this journey of circumstances, opportunities, and gifts, I was struck how my life purpose is the central theme that weaves these experiences together. Reflecting on this theme caused me to create a personal Life Purpose roadmap that serves as my guide.

Roadmap to Live my True Life Purpose:

Honor God by serving others through active use of the gifts and talents He's given.

Take a Risk - let go of fear.

Remember to be/live in the Present or the Now.

Give love and compassion.

Watch for and embrace opportunities.

What does your Life Purpose roadmap look like?

Dr. Brad Swift author of, "Life on Purpose - 6 passages to an inspired life," shares an interesting perspective on living your True Life Purpose. We sometimes get in a mind-set of funneling our purpose into one segment of life and letting that segment identify who we are. For example: our career, our title, what material possessions, our roles - I am mother/father of, provider for, spouse of, or child of.

Dr Swift poses the question, "Doesn't it make sense that our life purpose should encompass all aspects of our life and not just segments of it?"

I believe that living life's purpose starts with taking a look at our personal foundation. It's like remodeling your house into what you have always dreamed it to look like. It may look great from outward appearance, colorful paint, furnishings and décor. However, to withstand time, and weather the storms, it must have a firm foundation.

To begin remodeling, the foundation has to be uncovered to see it clearly and identify any structural cracks. Once identified there is opportunity to start construction and rebuild and repair the areas that need attention.

Examples of Structural Cracks in life's foundation:

Living out of fear, avoidance, lack or scarcity in: relationships, work/career, religion, finances, feelings, activities.

Repetitive habits, attitudes, and actions that are not working.

Begin to Rebuild with Foundational Building Blocks:

Start with one block at a time and give yourself permission to spend as much time as you need with it.
1. Be aware of where your energy goes.
2. Simplify by making time and space for what you want to bring into your life.
3. Identify where fear, avoidance and scarcity are running your life. Take one small step of faith, one small Risk and notice what happens.
4. Make the choice and let go of unproductive habits. Be willing to do things a different way to move forward.
5. Bring in a partner to support you and give accountability.
6. Watch for opportunities and embrace them.

I'm curious, how is Life Purpose important to you?
What building blocks do you use in your own life?
Does your Life Purpose change throughout the years?

Thanks in advance for sharing.
Thanks to Theresa Pelster for her photography talents.

Four Levels of Happiness - what level are you?

2007-06-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

Recent conversations with with people who are in career/life transitions spurred this blog. They vary from corporate executives, entrepreneurs, employees, stay at home parents and young adults entering college. They are successful in all aspects, yet have a desire for something more. The common burning questions they are asking are, "What is the purpose of my life?" and, "How can I make an impact?" Does this resonate with you or do you know of someone who is going through this kind of transition?

I have come across an interesting theory called Four Levels of Happiness, by Robert Spitzer. When we begin to get a grasp of these levels, we get a better picture of what our lives look like. Subsequently we can begin to uncover the answers to, "What is my purpose?" and "How can I make an impact?"

Robert Spitzer - Healing the Culture discusses Four Levels of Happiness.

Level 1 - Instant Gratification, "I want it now." Things we accumulate that don't last.
Level 2 - Personal Gratification, "Ego In." Achievement, Power, Admiration.
Level 3 - Good Beyond Self, "Ego Out" Giving back to others.
Level 4 - Serving God's Will "Ego towards God" Faith, Higher Purpose, Relationship with God.

Levels 1 through 3 are not destructive in themselves, yet when used as a means to an end, they can leave us searching for purpose in our lives.

My spin on this theory is, when we are in alignment with God's will, (Level 4), we can choose to have the remaining three levels working in harmony in our lives. We can make decisions on those Levels based on what our relationship with Level Four (God) is, thus producing Joy in our lives.

When we are in alignment with God, we can trust that the paths we choose to go down will provide purpose and meaning, though it may not be what we expect. Once this key ingredient is in place, we have many tools available to uncover the details of what that purpose looks like, and how to go about stepping out in that direction.

If you are in a place of transition, and are searching for more purpose in life, I offer my clients a special tool that supports and empowers them on this quest.

I'm curious...

What Level of Happiness are you in right now?
Have you been or are you in a career/life transition?
What has worked for you in discovering your purpose?
What have been your challenges?
What have been the benefits of this discovery?

Thank you in advance for your comments.

What are you saying, do I usually look old and worn out?

2007-06-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like reacting this way to someone when they made a comment on how nice you looked that day? Alternatively, have you had someone react to you in this way? I have and at times, it takes me aback. I stumble around searching for the "right" words trying my best to clarify or end up apologizing. Neither technique works and only leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth as to how I handled it.

As I go about my daily life, coaching, writing, remodeling homes and interacting with others, I continually see “communication practice sessions” arise. I love how life gives opportunities to refine areas of learning or where I feel challenged. These opportunities have helped me create a Top 12-Communication Essentials List. We explored Essential eleven and twelve in Hello is Anyone Listening. I find it interesting how they are connected.

Top 12-Communication Essentials List. Make the intention to:

Respond vs.React.
Show up non-defensive and ask non-judgmental, open-ended questions.
Find a win-win solution, there are options, be creative.
Be responsible for yourself, when you need to speak up do it.
Be aware of the Story vs. Facts.
Use Discernment.
Be conscious of your body language, and tone of voice.
Don’t take things personally.
Be clear – say what you mean.
Practice active listening in every conversation.
Do your inner work before coming to the communication table.
Practice, Practice, Practice

Essential one.

Have you ever had a “knee-jerk” reaction while engaged in conversation? Meaning, you reacted to a comment before thinking about what you wanted to say. It just flew out of your mouth and was not necessarily how you wanted to come across or what you truly meant. For instance Sally might say, “Joan you look great today, I love your new hair style, it makes you look younger.” Joan’s knee jerk reaction might sound something like, “what are you saying, do I usually look old and worn out?”

This is an elementary example, but proves the point. Realize this reaction can be due to our own defensiveness, feeling judgmental and we can use it out of habit, meaning we tend to operate on autopilot.

So how do we respond instead of react?

Start with giving ourselves a quick mental and physical scan. Are we coming to the conversation feeling defensive and not open to listening? Is the tone of our voice upset? Is our body language closed?

Where are we responsible in the conversation? Do we need to show empathy, compassion, set boundaries or speak up for ourselves?

Picture the desired outcome for the conversation. Is your true intention to pick a fight and argue or to connect and come to a win/win solution?

At times, we cannot foresee a conversation happening, so we may feel we don’t have time to check in with ourselves. This calls for creating a system in our lives called being in the NOW. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an excellent resource to learn more on this subject. A very simplified premise is, to stay in the present, and be conscious of our words and actions. Many times our minds are buzzing so quickly with what’s next, or worrying about something that has not yet happened, that we loose sight of what’s right in front of us.

What if you have a friend that uses this same type of knee-jerk response each and every time you have a conversation with her/him. It can be difficult, and you may find yourself constantly apologizing or trying to clarify. It may be helpful to ask questions. For example, what if you said to Sally, “Sally, I am unclear as to why you responded to my compliment this way. Would you be willing to share with me the reason?” Asking the right kinds of questions, can lead to the heart of the matter and diffuse defensiveness.

Which leads to Essential two. Show up non-defensive and ask non-judgmental, open-ended questions.

What are open-ended questions and how do we use them? Open-ended questions are questions that do not lend themselves to a yes or no answer. Nor do they start with. “why do you…” or “you are so…” Here are a few examples.

What can we do to work together to come to a solution that is good for both of us?

What would you like to contribute in this conversation?

What would you like to reflect back to me about what you heard me say?

What are your ideas and feelings on this subject?

How have you experienced this in your life?

Use open-ended questions to gain more clarity and discovery in your conversations. Asking questions are not a sign of weakness, rather they show you are engaged and willing to learn more about yourself and the other person.

Try on these two essentials this week in your conversations. I’d love to hear your findings and tools that are effective for you.

I appreciate the comment posted to Hello is Anyone Listening. The participant pointed out that it can be frustrating when people are not being responsible to speak up for themselves and rely on others to communicate for them. I appreciate that perspective as it shines yet another light on where we can work on ourselves.

Until next time…

Hello, is anyone listening?

2007-05-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

Scenario - You are having dinner with a group of friends. Everyone is chatting at the same time, except you. You smile and nod, and interject a few comments here and there, though not quite loud enough for anyone to hear them. Someone from the group says, “you are so quiet,” and then asks your opinion on the given subject. At first, you feel startled but then proceed to share your thoughts. Approximately five words come out of your mouth, someone interrupts, and the group begins talking over you. Consequently, you do not finish your comments and you begin to feel as though you have little to contribute. Can you identify with this scenario?

Communication can sometimes feel challenging and a few of us tend to run from it, especially if we feel it may cause conflict. Just think about it though, how much of our lives depend on communication? If we do not communicate effectively, it filters into all aspects of our lives. Into our self-esteem, self-confidence, businesses, relationships, you get the picture. So what does it look like to communicate effectively?

First, let’s define the word effective. Dictionary.com unabridged states, “… producing the intended or expected result.” If we communicate effectively, we are able to produce an intended outcome or result from the conversation.

Second, we need to remember the concept people can be our mirrors. That means what we are getting from others is at times what we are feeling in ourselves. To explain this further let’s take a look at the scenario again. Perhaps the interruption, talking over us and stating "we are so quiet," was how the group was a mirror for us. Could it be that we had much to offer to the conversation, but felt a lack of confidence to express it? Maybe our body language was such that we felt invisible or unsure of ourselves. On the other hand, maybe the subject triggered us, and we did not know how to respond. When we show up feeling unsure, invisible, and having a lack of confidence it comes across in our energy, body language and through our words. It flows into how we connect with others.

There are many areas to explore in the communication arena. For today, let’s focus on two strategies to begin expanding our communication skills.

Strategy #1 - Begin with yourself by re-framing your thinking about communication. Think of it as an opportunity for learning more and being responsible for your well-being.

Notice how people are mirrors for you. Shine a light on what you need to shift in your communication style, body language and words you use in order to produce an outcome that is beneficial.

Strategy #2 - Take a look at your listening skills. In your opinion what makes a good listener? Consider these suggestions:

Be present – this means don’t be easily distracted.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t try to fix.
Ask questions for more information and clarity.
Ask if they want feedback.

Empowerment: Ask a friend if they would be willing to participate in an experiment. Tell them you are working on expanding your communication skills. Review the listening guidelines and explain how they are, in your opinion, what makes a good listener. Ask them to be the listener and follow the guidelines. Talk for about 3 minutes on a situation that happened recently. Switch roles, allowing the friend to share in the experience. Discuss what felt valuable or what was learned in this exercise.

Recommended reading: Listen to me listen to you by Anne Kotzman and Mandy Kotzman

We will continue with more strategies in communicating effectively in future blogs. I’m curious:

What communication challenges have you run into?
What helpful tips have you used that have produced beneficial results?
What did you learn by participating in the above strategies?

Thank you for sharing!

What I've learned from my band

2007-05-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Recently, my husband and I were chatting about what it takes to be in the creative process of writing and performing songs. A little background, we are are passionate about music and belong in a band.

Back to the subject. We know that the song has to have energy, and the ability to sell itself to the audience. If the audience doesn’t enjoy themselves while listening and watching the performance, then our mission is lost. We continued sharing our individual process and came to a common conclusion. The first step starts in our thinking process and then flows into our actions.

Formula #1
Confident thoughts + Go for it actions = An energetic, alive, vibrant song, with an enthusiastic audience.

Formula #2
Insecure thoughts + Tentative actions = A weak, flat song, with little audience participation.

When I show up like formula #2, most times the musicality of the song, my voice and the keyboard are not at thier best. If I allow it, my insecure thoughts can take over. If not captured, they can take me into a downward spiral, which can potentially wreck the song, chip away at my self-confidence and leave the audience dissatisfied.

The thing is, I’ve been singing in front of people for years, so why would I ever have this problem? Because at some point I can lose confidence in my God given talent or ability.

In contrast, when I am conscious to stop and say confident thoughts such as, “I am prepared, I have done this many times before, it’s no big deal,” I feel self-assured and am able to relax. It comes across in my actions, I have better tone, the energy level is high, and the audience if fully engaged.

So what does this have to do with living our everyday life? What if we took the concept of this formula and integrated it into daily situations? Confident thoughts + Go for it actions = a life that is more energetic, alive, and vibrant.

When we come across a situation that might tend to deflate our self-confidence, it won’t have to destroy the day. We can choose to believe and trust the concept of this formula. Thus gaining our energy back, ward off the stress of the situation, and feel confident in who we are.

I’m curious, have you noticed how the two formulas show up in your life?

What examples do you have, (like my band example) that has given you insight into areas of your life?
What did you learn?
How did you integrate it into everyday living?

Thanks in advance for your participation and wisdom!

What am I telling myself?

2007-04-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered how many thoughts you have in a day? Would you believe an estimated sixty thousand every day? Many of these thoughts are reoccurring, playing the same recording over and over in our heads. What a bunch of noise!

To take a step further, have you ever noticed how many of these thoughts are self-defeating, and tear our us down? They may sound like this, "I can't believe I just did that, what a looser," or "they must think I am such a idiot or so dumb for acting that way," or "there is no way I can do that, and what if I fail, then what will I do?"

What we choose to think about, (some may obsess on it) many times becomes a belief about ourselves. We start to accept it as truth. If we believe it as truth, can you see how it runs our lives and how if filters into our relationships, work environment, even our recreational activities?

Remember - thoughts produce behaviour and behaviour produces action.

Consider the following questions:

How are these self-defeating thoughts benefiting me?
How are they playing out or running my life?
How are they keeping me stuck?
Who would I be without these thoughts?

Strategies:

Awareness is the key. Become conscious of all the noise in our heads. Try the following exercises to help raise your awareness.
Put 50 paper clips in your right pocket. Every time you have a self-defeating, negative thought, take one paper clip out of your right pocket and put into your left pocket. At the end of the day, notice (don't judge or beat yourself up) how many paper clips are in your left pocket.
Take 10 minutes ever day to quiet the noise. Write about it - get it out of your head, meditate, or talk it out with someone who will listen and support you in a positive way.
Notice who you spend your time with. Are they "feeding" this type of thinking?
When you catch these self-defeating thoughts, say to yourself or write down what will build you up. For example, the self-defeating thought may be, "I am not smart enough to..." re-train the thought to this, "I love and accept myself, I have the ability and the desire to learn new things."

Quotes:

“... fix your attention on God. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. You will be changed from the inside out." Romans 12:2 – Message/NIV

" For as a man thinketh in his heart, so he is." Proverbs 23:7 KJV

“How often – even before we began – have we declared a task “impossible?” And how often have we constructed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?... A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.” Piero Ferrucci

Resources:

The Power of Now - by Eckhart Tolle

Emotional Freedom Technique

The NLP Advantage

I find that entertaining self-defeating thoughts is the core of where many people find themselves stuck. So I'm curious:

For those of you who have worked with others in this area, what resources, tools or strategies have worked well for you?
For those of you who have done work in your own life, what has helped you make a shift in your thinking process?
For those of you who feel stuck in this area, what is your biggest challenge? What has worked for you so far?

I believe that working on this area is a life journey, and it is one that is so important to look at. There are huge payoffs in taking an honest look and making the decision to expand and learn new ways to make a shift in this area of our lives.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom

Welcome!

2007-04-17T20:00:00.001-07:00

Hello and Welcome! Paths of Discovery Life Coaching has now entered the Blogosphere! I'm happy to be here and look forward to sharing with you some tools that will enrich your life.

My name is Pam and I am a Personal Development Coach. My clients and I work together on areas in their personal and professional lives that are keeping them "stuck." I assist them by giving support, new learning, different perspective, accountability, and tools to break out of the box! The benefits they have come away with are:

A clearer vision of what their life looks like, what they desire and how to get there.
A life filled with more purpose and meaning.
Increased awareness, self-confidence, and authenticity.
Increased communication skills in personal and professional situations.
Understanding how the mind/body and spirit work together and how to use it in daily life.
How to re-train negative thinking.

So why write a Blog? I believe that we all share a commonality and that is connection. All of us have gifts and wisdom that we have gained over the years. There is value in sharing these gifts with each other, and I believe by doing so we can better understand each other and contribute more to our communities.

Here are a few topics to be looking for in upcoming Blogs.

How can I find more time and energy to start really "living" my life?
What is Inspiration and is it important?
Abundance vs. Scarcity - Which do I live in?
What does my internal dialogue sound like?

This Blog is dedicated to sharing ideas, resources and strategies to raise awareness. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to post your comments.

Cheers!

Pam