What are you saying, do I usually look old and worn out?

Have you ever felt like reacting this way to someone when they made a comment on how nice you looked that day? Alternatively, have you had someone react to you in this way? I have and at times, it takes me aback. I stumble around searching for the "right" words trying my best to clarify or end up apologizing. Neither technique works and only leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth as to how I handled it.



As I go about my daily life, coaching, writing, remodeling homes and interacting with others, I continually see “communication practice sessions” arise. I love how life gives opportunities to refine areas of learning or where I feel challenged. These opportunities have helped me create a Top 12-Communication Essentials List. We explored Essential eleven and twelve in Hello is Anyone Listening. I find it interesting how they are connected.

Top 12-Communication Essentials List. Make the intention to:

1. Respond vs.React.
2. Show up non-defensive and ask non-judgmental, open-ended questions.
3. Find a win-win solution, there are options, be creative.
4. Be responsible for yourself, when you need to speak up do it.
5. Be aware of the Story vs. Facts.
6. Use Discernment.
7. Be conscious of your body language, and tone of voice.
8. Don’t take things personally.
9. Be clear – say what you mean.
10. Practice active listening in every conversation.
11. Do your inner work before coming to the communication table.
12. Practice, Practice, Practice

Essential one.

Have you ever had a “knee-jerk” reaction while engaged in conversation? Meaning, you reacted to a comment before thinking about what you wanted to say. It just flew out of your mouth and was not necessarily how you wanted to come across or what you truly meant. For instance Sally might say, “Joan you look great today, I love your new hair style, it makes you look younger.” Joan’s knee jerk reaction might sound something like, “what are you saying, do I usually look old and worn out?”

This is an elementary example, but proves the point. Realize this reaction can be due to our own defensiveness, feeling judgmental and we can use it out of habit, meaning we tend to operate on autopilot.

So how do we respond instead of react?

• Start with giving ourselves a quick mental and physical scan. Are we coming to the conversation feeling defensive and not open to listening? Is the tone of our voice upset? Is our body language closed?




• Where are we responsible in the conversation? Do we need to show empathy, compassion, set boundaries or speak up for ourselves?




• Picture the desired outcome for the conversation. Is your true intention to pick a fight and argue or to connect and come to a win/win solution?

At times, we cannot foresee a conversation happening, so we may feel we don’t have time to check in with ourselves. This calls for creating a system in our lives called being in the NOW. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an excellent resource to learn more on this subject. A very simplified premise is, to stay in the present, and be conscious of our words and actions. Many times our minds are buzzing so quickly with what’s next, or worrying about something that has not yet happened, that we loose sight of what’s right in front of us.

What if you have a friend that uses this same type of knee-jerk response each and every time you have a conversation with her/him. It can be difficult, and you may find yourself constantly apologizing or trying to clarify. It may be helpful to ask questions. For example, what if you said to Sally, “Sally, I am unclear as to why you responded to my compliment this way. Would you be willing to share with me the reason?” Asking the right kinds of questions, can lead to the heart of the matter and diffuse defensiveness.

Which leads to Essential two. Show up non-defensive and ask non-judgmental, open-ended questions.

What are open-ended questions and how do we use them? Open-ended questions are questions that do not lend themselves to a yes or no answer. Nor do they start with. “why do you…” or “you are so…” Here are a few examples.

• What can we do to work together to come to a solution that is good for both of us?




• What would you like to contribute in this conversation?




• What would you like to reflect back to me about what you heard me say?




• What are your ideas and feelings on this subject?




• How have you experienced this in your life?

Use open-ended questions to gain more clarity and discovery in your conversations. Asking questions are not a sign of weakness, rather they show you are engaged and willing to learn more about yourself and the other person.

Try on these two essentials this week in your conversations. I’d love to hear your findings and tools that are effective for you.

I appreciate the comment posted to Hello is Anyone Listening. The participant pointed out that it can be frustrating when people are not being responsible to speak up for themselves and rely on others to communicate for them. I appreciate that perspective as it shines yet another light on where we can work on ourselves.


Until next time…

Hello, is anyone listening?

Scenario - You are having dinner with a group of friends. Everyone is chatting at the same time, except you. You smile and nod, and interject a few comments here and there, though not quite loud enough for anyone to hear them. Someone from the group says, “you are so quiet,” and then asks your opinion on the given subject. At first, you feel startled but then proceed to share your thoughts. Approximately five words come out of your mouth, someone interrupts, and the group begins talking over you. Consequently, you do not finish your comments and you begin to feel as though you have little to contribute. Can you identify with this scenario?

Communication can sometimes feel challenging and a few of us tend to run from it, especially if we feel it may cause conflict. Just think about it though, how much of our lives depend on communication? If we do not communicate effectively, it filters into all aspects of our lives. Into our self-esteem, self-confidence, businesses, relationships, you get the picture. So what does it look like to communicate effectively?

First, let’s define the word effective. Dictionary.com unabridged states, “… producing the intended or expected result.” If we communicate effectively, we are able to produce an intended outcome or result from the conversation.

Second, we need to remember the concept people can be our mirrors. That means what we are getting from others is at times what we are feeling in ourselves. To explain this further let’s take a look at the scenario again. Perhaps the interruption, talking over us and stating "we are so quiet," was how the group was a mirror for us. Could it be that we had much to offer to the conversation, but felt a lack of confidence to express it? Maybe our body language was such that we felt invisible or unsure of ourselves. On the other hand, maybe the subject triggered us, and we did not know how to respond. When we show up feeling unsure, invisible, and having a lack of confidence it comes across in our energy, body language and through our words. It flows into how we connect with others.

There are many areas to explore in the communication arena. For today, let’s focus on two strategies to begin expanding our communication skills.

Strategy #1 - Begin with yourself by re-framing your thinking about communication. Think of it as an opportunity for learning more and being responsible for your well-being.

Notice how people are mirrors for you. Shine a light on what you need to shift in your communication style, body language and words you use in order to produce an outcome that is beneficial.

Strategy #2 - Take a look at your listening skills. In your opinion what makes a good listener? Consider these suggestions:

• Be present – this means don’t be easily distracted.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Don’t try to fix.
• Ask questions for more information and clarity.
• Ask if they want feedback.

Empowerment: Ask a friend if they would be willing to participate in an experiment. Tell them you are working on expanding your communication skills. Review the listening guidelines and explain how they are, in your opinion, what makes a good listener. Ask them to be the listener and follow the guidelines. Talk for about 3 minutes on a situation that happened recently. Switch roles, allowing the friend to share in the experience. Discuss what felt valuable or what was learned in this exercise.

Recommended reading: Listen to me listen to you by Anne Kotzman and Mandy Kotzman

We will continue with more strategies in communicating effectively in future blogs. I’m curious:

• What communication challenges have you run into?
• What helpful tips have you used that have produced beneficial results?
• What did you learn by participating in the above strategies?

Thank you for sharing!